Scleroderma Information » Scleroderma » Dating and SD/Fibro/Cryo Etc.
Question:
I’m single. I was involved in a long distance relationship when I was diagnosed in October. The last time I saw him was in August, and I admit I wasn’t much fun… I was very tired and slept most of the weekend. After the diagnosis, he never did not "get it" - how upset I was, the potential future I was having difficulty dealing with, or what was so devastating. His letters made me more upset than ever. I finally told him I never wanted to see him again and he took me literally and I haven’t heard a peep since then (except he did mail all my old letters back to me… two years later, I’m still thinking of burning them). I was 36 when diagnosed and "looking good" and on top of things… When I got diagnosed, I went through that "I feel so vulnerable" phase which was something totally new to me. I wasn’t used to not being in control. My motto had been "I am the captain of my ship and the master of my fate" and scleroderma just didn’t play. I started wearing hiking boots and my outdoorsy clothes (see… I’m tough and ready)… and an interesting thing happened. I wasn’t particularlly interested in dating anybody… I wasn’t comfortable with myself and therefore wasn’t ready to share with anybody new. I evidently gave off vibes that I wasn’t interested in men… and some women picked up on that. For the first time in my life I was "approached" by women… Gawd, that was awkward… one of them even said "I know you’re not straight"… I told her she didn’t know much and she didn’t know me. This was particularly bad since she was a "underling" at work. Ahhhhh….. So, not only was my philosophy of life shattered, all of a sudden my sexuality was being questioned too. It was almost too much!!! I laugh at it now but it wasn’t so damn funny 18 months ago. Due to my natural interests in life, I have many male friends and I still see them and enjoy their company. One of them knows about scleroderma, accepts it, and is interested in whatever relationship we can have when we live 600 miles from each other. I’m contemplating it but don’t know…. that’s a long way to commit to a relationship. I believe in being upfront about having scleroderma but just haven’t pursued any new relationships. I haven’t had the energy and I think I still give off the "leave me alone" vibes… It’s just been easier that way. I miss not having someone to share thoughts, music, food, ideas, and some of the adult pleasures of life…. but that’s just the way it is right now. Best of luck to you in your search! I certainly said more than I intended to! llg – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -E. McDermott wrote in message … >Are any of you single? How do folks handle dating or rather the lack of it >with this disease? I find that men are readily scared off by my illness. I >have had one major relationship end because of my illness. Well that was the >escuse anyway and I am better off without him but I feel it is hard for >people for men to get past the disease. I am content single and working on >my schoolwork. I have fabulouse family, and fabulous friends but I do miss >the dating life. >– >Eileen McDermott, CA >If you see someone without a smile give them one of yours 
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Response:
I’m single, diagnosed with scleroderma and, as it happens, male. People will always be afraid of what they don’t understand. Add a medical problem to the already ‘tense’ beginning of a relationship, and that may add up to more than what some people can handle. Dating is always portrayed as a fun and exciting time. Out dancing till dawn. Weekends at the rudder of a sailboat, arms around each other…. frankly I don’t have the energy for any of it. If the relationship is not going as our preconceived notions would have us believe, not many people are going to stick around. Then there is the fact that many of us are not going to meet someone while we’re dozing on the recliner. My conclusion is, that our dating lives will only improve if we meet, caring, understanding people. We have to make the best effort we can, but it’s up to them to take make the extra effort to see past the problems, to the persons that we are. Frank Houston, TX E. McDermott <NOSPAMcott…@lmi.net> wrote in message
news:Bql52.647$186.2481@news14.ispnews.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Are any of you single? How do folks handle dating or rather the lack of it >with this disease? I find that men are readily scared off by my illness. I >have had one major relationship end because of my illness. Well that was the >escuse anyway and I am better off without him but I feel it is hard for >people for men to get past the disease. I am content single and working on >my schoolwork. I have fabulouse family, and fabulous friends but I do miss >the dating life. >– >Eileen McDermott, CA >If you see someone without a smile give them one of yours !
Response:
One of the most useful things I’ve gotten from studying writings on Daoism and Confucianism (the I Ching) is a "rule" to go no more than halfway in any relationship. Daoism is all about "balance," and going more than halfway to meet someone in a relationship/business deal/marriage/friendship would be classically "off balance!" Not to say that people with special situations like us don’t require someone we enter into a relationship with to be compassionate to our difference. But, we need to balance this with our own understanding and compassion. I can’t go to OSU football games once it gets cold, but I’ve allowed myself to develop as much of a passion about the game as my husband so that we can at least share the excitement and traditions. At work, I can’t go out in the winter to do jobsite safety audits, so my co-safety coordinator does them when it’s cold, and I do inside research. For me, this is a double help. Not only does it maintain balance in the relationships, it "empowers" me and reminds me I am still useful and still fun to be with even though I tire easily, can’t tolerate the cold, and take a jillion drugs. I don’t focus so much on how I don’t fit in and think more about other ways to be a part of other peoples lives. Just my usual $.02!
Response:
We have two people on the Monday chats that met online and began dating. They were married this past summer shortly after the conference. I have heard many stories where two people meet at support groups and get married. "E. McDermott" wrote: > Are any of you single? How do folks handle dating or rather the lack of it > with this disease? I find that men are readily scared off by my illness. I > have had one major relationship end because of my illness. Well that was the > escuse anyway and I am better off without him but I feel it is hard for > people for men to get past the disease. I am content single and working on > my schoolwork. I have fabulouse family, and fabulous friends but I do miss > the dating life. > — > Eileen McDermott, CA > If you see someone without a smile give them one of yours !
– *** Love, Hugs and well wishes From *** Sherry Messick, Visit My Site! Surviving Scleroderma http://www.SclerodermaSupport.com "We are all Beacons Of Light for Each Other" Oprah Winfrey Tomorrow is promised to no one. Learn to say ‘I love you’…. Any way you can!
Response:
Frank Nowling wrote: > I’m single, diagnosed with scleroderma and, as it happens, male. > People will always be afraid of what they don’t understand. Add > a medical problem to the already ‘tense’ beginning of a relationship, and > that may add up to more than what some people can handle. > Dating is always portrayed as a fun and exciting time. Out dancing > till dawn. Weekends at the rudder of a sailboat, arms around each other…. > frankly I don’t have the energy for any of it. If the relationship > is not going as our preconceived notions would have us believe, not > many people are going to stick around.
No offense, but I didn’t date this way. I guess it is the socially-accepted description of behaviour and expectations. In a new relationship, I have no preconceived notions… I watch, listen and try to ascertain if the datee is going to emotionally suck me dry. With that heads up, I maintain a friendship and nothing more. If we’re depressed, we attract depressed people. If we’re confident, we attract people who have their shite together. If we help an appreciative party, help will be returned in kind down the road (I don’t keep score)… A drawback of having like friends is gossip or the complaining about odd characteristics that displease us. I never gossiped that way and I don’t now. Sure I vent, but usually to two people to get advice. No sense in boring people with a problem I need to solve myself. More than two people and I’m wasting my breath and I don’t have a problem, I’m wasting their time and energy. Problem is either identified and resolved or it shouldn’t have bugged me in the first place. Then I forget about it and move on. > Then there is the fact that many of us are not going to meet someone > while we’re dozing on the recliner.
All too true. It takes guts and self esteem to walk into a bar alone, go to the movies, attend a social function… But go, you need it, and be interested in the people around you, don’t wait for them to come to you. > My conclusion is, that our dating lives will only improve if we meet > caring, understanding people. We have to make the best effort we can, > but it’s up to them to take make the extra effort to see past the problems, > to the persons that we are.
Um, I don’t view it this way, Frank. My partner is going to see nothing but problems if I portray them that way and constantly refer to them. Problems=Limitation in my world. And having this disease doesn’t change your heart, it changes the way you must lead you life in certain areas. I don’t wear my SD on my sleeve. My heartstrings are the foundation of a relationship, not physical limitations. I don’t view the world through SD eyes, I view the world as, "Who can I meet today that will teach me something, who is interesting enough that I would sit all day and listen to…" And the person I love most would have had to try to help themselves first before I offered any advice. If I take over, then I have taken from them some dignity, and that would not be right. My heart goes out to all who have any disease of minor/major limitation but I feel there is a solid team-playing partner for every one of us out there… perhaps you just haven’t found yours yet. Take care and be well, –Jaimes
Response:
Are any of you single? How do folks handle dating or rather the lack of it with this disease? I find that men are readily scared off by my illness. I have had one major relationship end because of my illness. Well that was the escuse anyway and I am better off without him but I feel it is hard for people for men to get past the disease. I am content single and working on my schoolwork. I have fabulouse family, and fabulous friends but I do miss the dating life. — Eileen McDermott, CA If you see someone without a smile give them one of yours ! begin 666 E. McDermott.vcf M0D5′24XZ5D-!4D0-"E9%4E-)3TXZ,BXQ#0I..DUC1&5R;6]T=#M%+@T*1DXZ M12X@36-$97)M;W1T#0I%34%)3#M04D5&.TE.5$523D54.D923U=.8V]T=&%G L94!L;6DN;F5T#0I2158Z,3DY.#$Q,C!4,C$T-S W6@T*14Y$.E9#05)$#0H` ` end
Response:
Amie has her "stuff" together… Well said! There is nothing more important than to know yourself and to your own self be true! The diagnosis part of scleroderma sort of destroyed my self-image and its taken awhile to rebuild it in a new fashion. For all the bad parts of scleroderma, I think I needed that destroy and rebuild part. It’s made me a better person. One thing about life… it’s unpredictable and I look forward to my next relationship! (There… that’s an optimistic statement)
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